And another week of social distancing/ lockdown measures. Another week in which the sun is out and one’s on the phone for hours or on the computer trying to reach out to friends. It’s up and down really, up and down… at the moment I’m personally on an up again and I feel fairly but not very confident that this might stay for a bit… but who knows.

Having the power and authority to decide oneself over when one does what is turning out a real challenge, isn’t it? I dreamt of a life like this before… get paid (furlough in this case) but no need to degrade oneself in a crap job …. like fish – frying in a pub. I’d create like crazy and in two weeks time I’d have a new collection worked out, speak fluent Italian, have a better CV, a positive outlook onto what comes after the “hopefully soon ending (haha)” lockdown. It hasn’t exactly worked out this way so far….

Jen in the midst of an arty yet chaotic boat

What’s been happening instead were days of endless crying, self-hate, self-criticism, dysphoria, questioning and struggle. Writing and cycling has helped… speaking to friends helped at first, cooking a goulash helped too. But what if one’s a vegetarian and can’t use the means of a goulash? what if one’s partners unhappiness lays itself heavy on one’s own unhappiness? What’s when writing down the pain makes it worse rather than better?

So who you gonna call….. a helpline .

Here are links to helplines. Give them a call please before losing your mind

in crisis – Hestia

depression – Sane

Trans – Spectra

sexual health / gender – SASH

Trans – Mind line Trans

what ever happened with pain?