red haired jen in despair

what happened with pain I ask myself and when does it get better? before lockdown dear me it was possible to live through it, to share it, to make it better by expressing it, but now? what can one do? just swallow and take and give in to spiral thinking and self blame and self hate of course. there’s no way out any more, there never really was, but it seemed like there was one. is pain multiplied when it’s not getting shared? multiplied in oneself? It feels like it and there’s really no way out. Why does ones brain keep providing one with constant assumptions … nice ones and evil ( but maybe true?) ones? it seems hard not to assume, and that’s only because assumptions give the allure of protection. If i assume that I will be abandoned and then I do get abandoned it at least doesn’t catch me off-guard…. you’d think that, but in reality it never saves anyone. assume the worst and when the worst comes you’ll still be destroyed. its true that one can’t change another person’s feelings or thoughts… their reality is their reality and one has to respect that, even when it doesn’t ring true to oneself. Pain is valid though. To everyone. It’s my fault if i let others get to me and hurt me yes but I will not take the blame entirely. Pain in lockdown is harder, boredom in lockdown is harder, isolation in lockdown is harder, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if we lived in China.

towelling then and now