Dear lockdown 2,
A day or two has passed and things have changed a teeny tiny little bit i feel. How have you been? It’s two weeks now since you’ve been … put on us …a bit less even. The weather is worse, but that’s expected.
I have finally managed to introduce some sort of a routine into my mornings, crazy, hu? Yeah that’s what I’m thinking. But when my thoughts circle around one distressing thought and then around the next one until my shoulder pain gets even worse and I think I’ve developed a cough, I decide to at least try and survive by imposing some niceness.
Meditation yes, eight minutes every morning, and Italian as much as I can ram into my brain … and about 3,5 minutes of sit-ups to one song… I wanted to change songs but got stuck with this beauty. In the beginning doing 60-70 sit-ups felt like a bit of a chore and my belly muscles felt a bit tired after… but only three days later and it doesn’t feel like that anymore… yesterday I even woke up with a bit of a six-pack. Was a bittersweet feeling seeing this again, as last time I woke up with a six-pack it was down to no eating, too much substance abuse and just generally too much abuse…. well… the bad old times it was. My belly looked funky though. aaaanyway, thanks to a great contact I did something fun yesterday, which gave the feeling of a tiny bit of normality: I did a three hour session of life modelling. In winter it’s even better to do that, because generally it’s so cold, that one doesn’t get the chance to be naked very much. But life modelling is always great.
The course I’m doing is over now so from tomorrow on I will have to find something else to do … it would be a good idea to try and put to action what I’ve learned, of course…. but …. hum … I was going to type an excuse… but really why should I? Why come up with a silly excuse to you, lockdown 2. As if you’d believe me… as if you’d even listen to me. You know what some people are doing now? They’ve got a gaming console .. this new one that just came out … and so now they will spend the entire time in front of their gaming screens… dear me the streets will be even emptier.
Well there is one piece of advice I can give … it’s really helped me… but why would I advice you… you’re not the one who’s struggling… you’re just having a nice time now that everyone is paying so much attention to you, or are they? Most people I know have decided to get wasted and trashed at their friends place… rather than the pub. I wish I didn’t live in west London and I wish I was more of a substance fiend.
So this advice… it’s really about finding something to fix. In a situation like this one (and I’m not saying I’ve lived through a pandemic before but I have the feeling that on some level it’s a bit like being in an abusive relationship in the way that one seems to have no control at all over the situation and one needs to do things one is told to do rather than doing the ones one would like to do) I feel it’s important to find things one can fix. Because the general situation is so shit and can’t be fixed by one person… It can’t be fixed my me. So what I’ve done is attend to my pile of clothes to fix, fix my bike,finish to work on unfinished clothing projects. Darning cashmere jumpers is a real joy, maybe try that? .. hm .. can you even do that? I wouldn’t think a lockdown has arms and hands … as an idea though you surely do .. as you hold everyone in your grip.
It’s odd to feel lonely. It’s not really a feeling I’m very familiar with. Even though I was an only child until I was almost 16 I didn’t really feel lonely… there’s always so much to do that I can just do on my own. I think, being with someone has the potential to create a greater loneliness than just being on ones own.
It’s stopped raining now and the distressing thoughts are slowly creeping in again so I guess I’ll whack on some fabulous clothes and get out . I’ll buy a new notebook that I will write goals into .. haha … yes that’s my new goal: to set goals. Odd that that’s new to me … it was so familiar in the past.
aaanyway…. lockdown 2 you smell good today and you feel a wee bit softer than you did yesterday…but that doesn’t mean I like you… don’t misunderstand me .
Until tomorrow ….