Dear lockdown 2

Ha, you would have laughed at me today when I was shopping in Lidl… bought Gluehwein ( mulled wine), Lebkuchen ( gingerbread) and Sahnehering ( herring in creamy sauce)….does it get any more German? I guess not… that’s what you do to me, you monster haha. Feeling unsafe, it seems, makes people buy things that reminds them of a time when things still felt safe … or that’s the case for me. Maybe not for everyone… what would it be like for you? …. If you could shop… which you can’t . Being lockdown yourself, always.. not only in lockdown.. probably means that while people like me feel unsafe .. you feel extra safe, because you don’t know anything else.

Do you ever give other people the power over your feelings? Do you even have feelings? I felt good today .. until a painful notion crept up on me.. but then…you know… people change their opinions about one… and their feelings change too.. I guess what was the case a few years ago will not be the case today … will I ever change my opinion about you? Well, you don’t care. I wish I was like you and just didn’t care.

But then… if I was you then I couldn’t sit by Hammersmith bridge and watch the sun go down while drinking a beautiful beer… that tastes a bit christmassy actually. I couldn’t even ride a bike… imagine how I’d look if I didn’t ride a bike dear me .

Today I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought what’s there isn’t so bad at all … that’s something that people should do more often maybe … and it’s something you can’t do … because you haven’t got a body. Poor you.. I do feel compassion for this particular aspect of your existence… but then again.. if you did have a body and you did have .. let’s say a .. sexuality… you might get fucked over … as people do who have one. Dear me, I can tell you … a drive can make you dependent … it can make you lose your mind… it even has the power to make you lose yourself if you don’t take care.

It’s so cold now that my flatmate even put on a jumper … while sitting next to the open window … haha. … things are drastic when a person from Bolton puts on a jumper because they’re freezing. I washed my cashmeres today .. oh yes I am a person with cashmere jumpers… and I buy them here or on Facebook marketplace… there’s always a nice story attached with both of these places… at the first one I always get a mate rate because I used to go out with someone who knows the person who sells the jumpers there… he’s an odd guy though … ( both of them)…but his cashmeres are nice, so what can I say ha.

The maddest is, that while you’re still up and running and making every day a struggle I’ve even started calling my mum again… something I really don’t normally do. People really do the craziest things. I’ve also started listening to Grime… and I love it … which comes unexpected partly as I really don’t like Rap music … but I do love techno.. and Grime to me is more like Techno with words.. so it’s not that unexpected… what music do you listen to? I don’t know why but I’m sort of expecting you to be a big stoner and listen to a lot of chilled out laid back music.. there’s something I can recommend ( from a German perspective I mean haha). I used to hate them when I still lived in Berlin… but now I love them …

Love. yeh … we don’t use the word so freely and easily in German.. for good reason I think . I hope I’m not depressing you, poor lockdown… oh yes I forgot to apologize.. dear me spoke up and out with no excuse or justification for once… nooooo… please diss me for that. Ha , you can’t… you speak a language that’s so complicated and straight forward at the same time that it’s hard to understand…

Dear me , this incense is creating massive smoke … looks quite nice though… there’s one particular incense that I’ve kept for a long time … I will never find it again ( I mean in a shop) and I’m keeping it so I can burn it in the new place I’ll be inhibiting…in Italy … hopefully… actually there’s two left yay… so I can … or we can .. carry it into every corner of the place. That’s something to look forward to. I’m sure you’re having a better time in Italy too… better food… better Prosecco.. ( or cheaper haha).. better coffee. Ah yes, you don’t drink coffee. I haven’t had a lot of coffee recently either .. makes no sense as life is too stressful already and my heart isn’t safe and steady anyway .. so tea is the better choice.

aaaanyway.. so that’s the letter that was supposed to be about clothes …. didn’t end up like that did it …

I’d even share a Lebkuchen with you now that it’s getting colder… maybe take one .. secretly .. when I’m asleep in bed .. and I won’t question where it went .. maybe I’ll think the massive spider under my bed ate it … but maybe not …

oh and yes as you can see I’m dying my hair … and I drink tea.

Until tomorrow then

letter 4