Dear Lockdown 2

Yay we’ve made it through another shit day and another shit weekend. Thanks for that…. was yours just as bad as mine? Oh no I shouldn’t ask that .. you might end up telling me about it haha. At least I had a nice chat with an old friend of mine I hadn’t spoken to in ages. And actually I had a good much needed chat with my beautiful partner too.

Have you got a partner? Can a lockdown have a partner? what do you do in lockdown? I heard playing video games is a great pastime… I’m actually considering doing it too … but then … if I feel bad conscience wise when I sleep too long… I don’t wanna know what I’d feel like if I spent my awake time playing games dear me.

My friend actually just said something great to me .. he’s known me for a very long time… he said ” If the possibility of a better job would come your way, you totally would do it and put the hours into it that it would need and the dedication and the time and the love” and that’s totally true. I’m not work shy… I only don’t want to do too many hours in a job that I really don’t like doing. I mean, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about …. your time is limited too … much more even than my own time. You don’t wanna waste it, do you? I don’t know what you want actually … but I don’t wanna waste my time with too many things I hate. I’m such a millenial yeah I am. At least I know what music to listen to while writing this … it’s this.

What I can also do is eating bags of crisps and drink a bottle of Cava. You can’t do that, can you ha. Dear me, life as lockdown must be really shit … I mean we all hate you , we all blame you on the shitness of our individual lifes… no idea what that feels like. I only get blamed for the shitness of my own and my partners life. Maybe you should do some therapy… I can recommend this one … it’s for queers though…. lockdown, are you queer?Well you’re definitely not queer friendly.

I’ve often wished in the last few weeks to be a straight normal person… if I was that I might have a pet, and a straight simple partner and even a child or a house or a nice flat. I’d find answers for the problems I’ve got on the internet or I’d find them by asking my friends cause they’d have the same problems. I wouldn’t feel lonely because I’d have a pet or a partner or a child around me … But maybe that’s all an assumption and the people I’m talking about here feel just as trashed as I do and as confused and unsafe. Marriage makes people feel safe though, doesn’t it? I’ve spent an abnormal time pondering on marriage the last 1,5 years. I never thought I’d think about that. It’s odd really. How do you feel about this? Too straight for you? haha I thought it would be for me too , but I guess sometimes one meets a person who’s just everything one could ever want in another person. ha

Have you got friends to call when you feel low? Do you feel low?

anyway.. I’ve decided to create a sort of advent calendar .. but not only leading up to Christmas. I’ll do as many days as I can think of. I’ll write down beautiful memories… I’ll do it for someone else, but actually now that I think of it … one could also simply do that for oneself.. maybe I’ll make two of these calendars…I’ll write these memories on little papers and fold them and put numbers on them so that the person who this calendar is for can open one memory per day, one beautiful moment per day that reminds one of the beauty that’s only round the corner. I mean… some things that were in the past haven’t changed to now. My love hasn’t changed and my care and empathy and understanding haven’t changed. My passion, my enjoyment, my excitement haven’t changed, so why not get back in touch with what was once so beautiful, recreate the moment in ones mind and heart. Things are shit now but they won’t be forever.

If I could draw I’d draw these memories.. but like this I’ll do the one thing I’m good at … expressing myself through words. There are so many beautiful memories and I can still feel them when I go back into them, I can smell what they smelled like and tasted what they tasted like.

I feel sad today because I didn’t get to meet the friend I wanted to meet today but I feel slightly elated too because I ended up talking important stuff. I’m confused.. but I’m sure you are too. It’s Lily Allen’s “Fuck You” on the radio, which always makes me think of the one time when as ex of mine danced to it .. unexpectedly.. naked.. in my room. haha. another one of those fun memories. What would I do without them? What would you do without them? Actually … you’re such a new thing you might not even have any memories… and if you do the last ones are from the 20s maybe. When was the last lockdown before your brother? I don’t even know.

aaaanyway.. so that’s Sunday evening for you … could have been a nice, sexy one .. didn’t in the end. What are you up to? Waiting for the time to pass I guess … or are you still having a blast?

whatever you do … you’re a heavy bastard…. you’re making me feel dark and just generally wrong. Have some empathy! At least the weather was better today.

Until tomorrow…

letter 2