Well, and it’s happened again… this time .. as all the other times before actually , now that I think of it, it’s been fairly expected… and yet it’s unexpectedly distressing. Jobless again.

The two years that I’ve been with my partner now I have lost my job twice and now a third time and have had three jobs in three different places. I have to say, the first time it happened it hit me the hardest emotionally, as I had worked in that place for over two years… the place had somehow become my second or third home and the people had become my friends .. almost family. When we got told on a Sunday that the shop would close next Monday…. it did knock the air out of me and I slowly then in the weeks after tried to see it positively … tried to believe that this could be a chance for something better.

This time.. I’m sure I will think the same again and I have prepared myself much better this time…. and yet.. when I got told today that the week after the 24rth of October I will have lost a job again or as they call it will be “made redundant” most probably it did leave me feeling like I’d just fallen into a deep ditch that oddly enough I hadn’t seen before.

Yes the voices in my head say ” you knew anyway” ” you could have done something” “why are you distressed? it’s a shit job anyway””you wanted to change jobs anyway” ” this isn’t a real job” … and yes sure.. it’s all true and I can sit here now and slay myself even further of course. Make myself feel even worse about myself and the situation… beat myself up for not having found a fantastic new job, great career while lockdown lasted, dissing and mocking myself because I believed I would have more time. Luckily enough I don’t have to do any of this myself … I’ve got people who do this for me yay… so realistically seen there’s no point in singing along into their chorus.

Redundancy feels different every time.

So what’s really going to help?

The last few times I went on shitty websites for shitty low paid jobs and if things go really bad I will be happy to do that again … actually I might start right now just in case. My friends say ” well, there will be lots of people having lost their jobs …” and yes.. but , you know, how does it help me to think that? I mean.. so what? everyone will have this problem and it’s really shit.

I always fear not being able to survive, not being able to pay rent, having to sleep under a bridge or having to go back to Germany.. ( which to be honest isn’t such a bad idea anymore anyway)…. the fact that even though it’s been 4,5 years now and I haven’t really made London work for me is a painful painful notion that creeps up on me every few months…now even more often actually that I’ve got a new voice who tells me that.

I feel like… I don’t know what to do. What I normally do might not work. So I guess try something else that’s different… what though?No one really reads my blog.. so I can’t really call myself a blogger… no one really listens to my podcast so I cant really call myself a podcaster, no one really buys my clothes, so can I still call myself a fashion designer?

On some level yes. on many levels yes. who defines this kind of stuff anyway. In England it used to be possible to just call yourself a plumber if you considered yourself one… no one really questioned that … until they booked you to do their plumbing .. and if anybody “booked” me to do some writing or chatting or clothes making I would be more than able to and happy to do it… so yeh … if you’re a plumber I’m a writer . Ha.