I think it’s quite difficult to push oneself and believe in oneself when it occurs that people who are very close to oneself seem to have opposite feelings to that. Of course, strength and confidence comes from within or should come from within and at the age of 32 one should probably be able to know that one is a valuable human being and that even though successes might lie in the past they still were successes. It’s a lot easier to make oneself feel better when one is alone but surrounded with friends I feel.

What to do when one gets put down over and over though subtly and less subtly? Iron shirt technique… hm not sure if that really helps in a good way or whether an iron shirt technique only leads to shielding off good things too. how does one know what to believe and what not to? what to take with ” a pinch of salt” and what not to? is the negativity the honesty or is the rare niceness honesty? or is it both? I always assume both is truth…. which sometimes confuses as it’s contradictory. I mean ” I love the way you are” but really I can’t think of one thing that I love about you …. both real, both valid. ” I love you” is just as valid as ” you’re just a zeta person” I guess.

It’s odd. or it feels odd really.

and would the situation be different if there was no corona? Have the things I’ve done in the past that made me a fab person with great ideas and a passionate drive disappeared and now I’m not someone with a vision anymore, just because I haven’t had any ” success” ( what is that actually?) in quite a bit of time? Am I less of a great person because I have long stopped believing in my own abilities? Am I a weak one because I’d like to be emotionally supported? Am I not a lovable human being because I haven’t got and hopefully never will have a 9 to 5 job?

am I less lovable because I’m a Millenial? Am I a bad millenial because I didn’t know what a hyperlink is? am I being selfish when I want to express my thoughts and feelings too and does it make me a silly millenial to want to do that? Am I less of a valuable person because I haven’t got a plan? am I less lovable because I have fears? is it ok to criticize me a lot just because I critisize me a lot? am I less lovable because I don’t have the same goals as many people? Does it make me a lazy person when I don’t want to do a 9 to 5 job because I value my lifetime? Am I lazy if I don’t want to waste my lifetime with things that I don’t enjoy doing? Have I got a broken work ethic if I don’t work towards saving?

Isn’t is possible that there is more than one way in life and that more than one way is the right way for different people. Yes I might be a Millenial, but so what? It’s really not my fault that my mum didn’t get pregnant 5 years before … and to be honest I’m quite happy that she didn’t… she would have been maybe a bit too young. so why blame me ? why put me down? why never lift me up? How much money does one need to be happy? How much space does one need to be happy?

We’re all in lock-down together, and apart. it takes a lot of strength to get though this I feel. maybe I’ll go back my list.

maybe I’m silly but I’d like feel good about myself sometimes.

I’ll go back to watching Moonlighting now…. like a proper Millenial.

back to what?